Relationships and love sometimes fall apart. One thing that remains constant in life is ‘change’.
It’s been mentioned before on this blog, but change is the one thing that stays around. Things, people and even entire cultures change all the time. Remember when rappers used to wear really baggy clothes? Now it seems their goal is to wear the skinniest pair of jeans they can find.
Everything changes.
Fashions change almost every few months and relationships fall apart every day. It’s unavoidable but there are some things you can do to get over a breakup faster and allow yourself a better chance to heal and move on.
How to get over a breakup
Moving on is essential when the relationship has failed, otherwise you’ll torture your mind and soul while your ex moves on (or not). When things are over, moving on should be at the top of your to-do list. Here I’ve collected some of the most commonly agreed tips for moving along from a breakup, so, in no particular order..
Tip #1 – Realize that it’s OK to have different feelings
Everyone is different, and sometimes people either have different views from the start, or they just change and develop different or conflicting ideas. It’s normal and you shouldn’t put yourself down just because you’re not well-matched.
Tip #2 – Love is like a flower..
Imagine a beautiful flower. That represents love, it’s stunning to look at and to EXPERIENCE, but if you pick it, the flower dies. It is the same with love, you must experience the love, but when you try to grab it, or hold on to it, it dies and this is because you can never OWN a person, nor can you own a relationship.
Tip #3 – Recognize the vast possibilities around you
There are millions of people in this planet, and thinking that you can ONLY be happy with one person, or that you can never love again is bordering on delusional. Happiness can be experienced with potentially anyone, so get out there and start connecting with people!
Tip #4 – New is better!
If you’ve been living in the same house, you likely have lots of memories with the objects and scenery that’s been in the house the whole time. Remove anything that connects you to your ex, including objects, things like duvets, specific bed sheets with patterns on, and repaint the walls. Anything that vividly reminds you of your ex needs to go. Obviously things like your car or TV you can’t just throw away or replace, but the little things need to go so you can move on and create new memories and neural connections in your brain.
If you don’t, then every time you see an object connected to your ex your mind will feel more pain, because it’s like you’re telling your mind that they’re only gone for a while and they’ll be back soon. To make the breakup permanent, remove the stuff!
Tip #5 – Remove the smell from your house
Change your bedsheets, get an incense stick that you’ve never used before. Do anything to remove the ‘memory triggers’ from your house.
Tip #6 – Allow yourself to perform worse for a while
By putting pressure on yourself to get back to work Monday morning and act like nothing has happened, while inside you’re crying out is not a good idea. Tell people around you what’s going on and even tell your boss or co workers, they’ll understand and may even give you some time to recover at home. Trying to carry on as though nothing has happened is difficult and can make it worse.
Tip #7 – Don’t forget to try to move on
Although you’ll likely not be yourself for a while, don’t forget that in the end, you’re trying to move on and eventually be happy with someone else. It’s OK to be sad or down in the dumps at first, but only you can pick yourself up after a breakup.
Tip #8 – Keep up your health and sleep etc..
If you let yourself slip into eating junk food and watching TV until 4 in the morning, you’ll be in an endless spiral of despair. You’ll feel progressively worse day by day. Keep exercising, join a gym and connect with other healthy people to motivate yourself.
Tip #9 – Listen to new music
This specially applies if you’re moving on from a long-term relationship. Hearing the same songs you used to listen to together is a bad idea. It’s going to enforce memories in your mind and make you feel worse. The same goes for listening to depressing or sad ‘breakup songs’. They’re just making your feeling of sadness grow stronger. Seek out new and uplifting music that you’ve never heard before, and always listen to bands and groups you’ve never heard before when you’re browsing YouTube.
New music = New memories.
Tip #10 – Talk to people about it!
One of the best things you can do it to share your problems and opinions/feelings with someone else. Even get a group of your friends together and talk it over. don’t mistake this for ‘slagging off’ your ex or talking about them in a hostile way, because you can’t speak badly of someone else without letting negative thoughts into your own mind. Just talk about the situation and let people know how you’re feeling.
Tip #11 – Understand what you want now
Everyone has needs, and it’s important to recognize these needs and look for a partner who can meet them. IF you’re not getting your needs met, or meeting the needs of your partner, things are bound to fail.
Tip #12 – Remember that happiness should not depend on others
A fundamental thing to grasp in life is that you should never depend on other people to be happy. If you’re doing the things you love doing regularly, and you’re moving towards your goals in life, you should be happy regardless of people who drift in and out of your life. It’s only when you assign the power to someone else that they’re able to remove your happiness.
Tip #13 – Use this as an opportunity to make new friends
When you go through something stressful, you find that sometimes your inhibitions are removed temporarily. If you’re normally shy you’ll find that you’re able to open up and approach people a lot easier. It’s different for everyone, and everyone reacts to stress and grief in different ways, but for some people, a situation like a breakup or divorce can give them a short-term boost in confidence and an ability to approach and open up much easier.
If this is you and you feel comfortable with doing this, use the opportunity to make new friends and make new connections with people. You may just make a friend for life who can help you through this.
Tip #14 – Use your body to heal your mind
Sometimes, you can’t control your feelings and thoughts as well as you’d like, but you CAN control your body. By doing things like having cold showers, traveling and skydiving, you release ‘happy hormones’ in your body, which force your mind to be happy.
Tip #15 – Create or stick to a schedule or routine
Don’t let the breakup disrupt you too much in terms of your daily activities. Of course, time off work may be a good idea initially, but try to return to your daily plan or schedule as soon as possible. Keeping yourself busy is paramount.
Tip #16 – Don’t use Drugs or Drink to get over it
Using mind altering substances may seem appealing at first, but long-term it will only make it worse. If you drink, you’ll wake in the morning with an even greater sense of grief and sadness, and your mind will be taking a step back in terms of moving on and healing. If you are looking for a relief, do other things like adrenaline based sports or new experiences that will open your mind to life and the unknown. Try being upset while falling from a plane.. It’s not easy.
Tip #17 – Learn from it
With any situation, there’s something to learn. Look at the relationship and objectively think about what you did (if anything) to contribute to the relationship falling apart. See it through their eyes, and then think about it from the perspective of a stranger – What happened? How can you learn to not do the same again, or not choose partners who do this thing again.
Getting over a breakup is going to be hard, but try to look at it as a journey from this stage of your life, to a greater level of happiness. That’s what it should ultimately be, right? There are millions of people out there, and there is someone out there who can make you happy.